REFLECTIVE ESSAY
Isabelle de Mozenette
Senior Reflective Essay
I found CEP the summer of 2015. At that time I had just finished my first quarter at UW Bothell. I was home visiting my mom in Maryland and telling a high school friend about how I had just started the hobby of making my own deodorant. I went on a spiel about how obvious it is that the all natural way is better! Not only is it better for our bodies, it is better for the environment too! My friend suggested that I should major in Sustainability. I didn’t really know what that was, so I started doing research on schools that offer Sustainability Studies. I found that UW Seattle had a major called Community, Environment and Planning. I decided that I was so very excited and wanted to join that fall. I met with Kelly, who told me that I missed all the deadlines and that it was way too late to join in the fall. She also told me that I have less of a chance of getting into UW Seattle as a transfer from UW Bothell. She also told me that I should stop taking classes because the fewer credits I have, the higher chance I have of getting into UW Seattle. I was shocked, surprised and terrified and decided to take the chance. I would drop out of school for a year, to wait and see if I would be accepted into UW and CEP.
I didn’t go back to school that fall, but worked a nanny job instead. I had just gone through a breakup and was terribly sad and scared of my future. I remember sweeping the kitchen floor of my nanny job and almost crying. Nothing sounded fun, and I definitely lacked a purpose. I decided that I should travel during my gap year. Not because I wanted to, but because that is what society said is “cool” to do during gap years. I pressured myself a lot with how to travel the “right” way. I reached out to a friend who is pretty well traveled and asked her for help on where to start. She was currently nannying in Melbourne, Australia and told me she could probably get me a nanny job there. I took my first plunge and said “ok”.
Before I left for Australia in late January, I applied for CEP over winter break. I was back in Maryland, visiting my mom again, trying to write my essay. It was torture. I was at all time max of feeling insecure and lacking self worth and I was expected to write essays for UW and CEP where I had to boast myself. I struggled so hard, I tried to be real in them, but I didn’t know who the real me was. I had my interview for CEP a few weeks before I left on my travels, feeling lost, confused and anything but grounded.
I arrived in Australia, late January to a family I have never met, and was agreeing to live with and work for them for 5 weeks minimum. I remember feeling so out of place. I tried to go shopping and explore the town I was living in on my down time and even feeling like the shop owners didn’t want me in their stores. I quite literally felt like I was just taking up space.
Fast forward 7 months later, I had been through Australia, Vietnam, Cambodia, Germany, Austria, France, Monaco, The Netherlands, Croatia, Slovenia, Sweden and Iceland. I was walking to my bus that would take me to my plane that would take me from Iceland to Maryland, where I would once again visit my mom.
Halfway through my trip I heard back from CEP that I have been “yellowed” and more information was needed from my to determine if I was a right fit. I borrowed someone’s computer from where I was volunteering at an orphanage in Vietnam and wrote about how I want to learn the steps from A to Z to become a “sustainability implementer”.
At that point, I was also high off of freedom. Being a single child of a single mother means that I did not grow up with a lot of freedom or trust instilled in me. However, traveling had started to show me all that I was capable of. I was seeing how much life there was in the world, and I was feeling a strong resistance to going home to start school, especially at UW. I viewed UW as basic, or typical, an institution that does not really care about you but only your money. I was resisting doing school in such a typical and expected fashion. I had also applied for Evergreen State College and was just as excited about continuing my education there in a non-conforming way. UW felt like jail compared to my current travel life. I resented CEP for making me prove my worth all over again, and was fully ready to go to Evergreen instead.
After getting into both, and vacillating between the two for a while, I decided to TRY UW because it was way harder and way more effort to get into UW than Evergreen. I felt confident that if I wasn’t happy at UW I could apply for and get into Evergreen again easily, but the opposite might not be true.
As school approached, I was feeling just as grumpy as when I was leaving for my trip. Nothing made sense anymore. All my friends had moved away while I was traveling. I didn’t have anyone that was excited for my return. UW seemed intimidating and looming.
I think my first mistake was “assuming” everyone was “right”. I gave everyone else in CEP and UW “the power”. I’m not sure how to properly explain this but it is an inconvenience that doesn’t allow me to be my full self. I doubted myself a lot and wasn’t sure where I stood coming academically coming from a community college. I didn’t know all of the invisible “norms” of UW student life and this intimidated me. I felt that there was a right way to be a UW student, and everyone knew the secret except for me. This stopped me from fully blooming!
After fall quarter I was still disgruntled. It felt like everyone already had their friend groups and didn’t have the same need for friends as me. I didn’t like bussing, even though I chose to bus, I was always frustrated with the commute time.
None of my junior year quarters particularly stand out in terms of comfort. I eventually stopped complaining about bussing, and made some half friends. The CEP community has been a pretty solid rock through it all. I wouldn’t say everyone is dedicated or even reliable, but everyone is reliable enough to the point of mostly comfort. It takes me a long time to feel comfortable with people and I honestly would say that only at the start of spring quarter of senior year do I finally feel comfortable, and like I belong. I finally feel like a “real” UW student. I feel excited and grateful for all the opportunities that UW gives me access to. I also feel sad. I feel sad that it has taken me so long and that now it’s almost over. I have inspired myself to enjoy school and enjoy campus and enjoy everything that comes with being a “UW Student”.
Since middle school I have taken a semi “non-traditional” schooling route. I moved to Maryland for my last year of elementary school. When I started middle school I applied to and got into a magnet school. Magnet schools are like little universities. They require you to apply and interview and come in for an in person session to be assessed. In middle school my “magnet” was visual arts. We had dedicated classes each semester that were for our magnet, where we were expected to grow and thrive with our cohort.
In high school I did the same. My magnet that time was “Theatre Design and Production”. I had an ever smaller cohort and more responsibility. The magnet was student run with our teacher overseeing everything. Juniors and Seniors were “lead designers” and freshmen and sophomores were “crew”. We were expected to stay after school at least 3 days a week to get everything done. Sometimes we stayed until 11pm or later. It was crazy but it was also a blast. I absolutely loved seeing everyone so often and feeling bonded on a whole new level. In high school it was easier to feel comfortable around a big group of people. We are less self-aware and more easily adaptable. We are weird and gross and vulnerable without overthinking too much, we are just ourselves. We are raw and real. It is immature, but it works.
As we age, we start to learn the politeness of social norms. We know what we are “supposed” to say to be “nice”. I feel that this gets in the way of me being my real self. I’m not sure how to get past it. I don’t want to take risks or be vulnerable, even though I know that’s what it necessary to do to create long lasting relationships.
CEP seems like the college version of my high school experiences. My high school was very communal as well. There is so much potential for amazing connections, and I have made some good ones, but none that are life-altering (that I am aware of, yet). I am so thrilled and lucky to be apart of it nonetheless. It’s weird that we can be surrounded by people but still feel trouble making genuine and life-altering connections.
When I read other comments about how other UW students feel about UW, they seem bitter. They FEEL like UW is just a big business that doesn’t really care about them; UW just wants their money. I am fortunate enough that CEP makes me not feel that way. Thanks to CEP I feel like UW cares about me, and wants me here. I haven’t been here long enough to actually feel like I belong, but I definitely don’t feel like I don’t belong…. Somewhere in the middle.
CEP reminded me that I want that feeling of community in my life. I want to feel comfortable around a large group of people. I want that feeling! I’m not sure if it’s possible… or if it exists, but I know it’s something I want one day.
My view of the world is so external. It’s strongly based on feelings and how others “make” me feel. I want to be more internal. I want to be fiercely independent. I want to be my own best friend, show up for myself, and watch the rest of my life and relationships transform, in the most positive way.
I think that is why I am so bent on traveling again. I learned my first time around, that when I am forced into independance, I rise to the occasion. However, when I am in my daily life, I do not. If I go traveling, I will have to flex my independant muscle - hard. It’s easier for me to be independent when I am “forced” into it, by traveling for example.
I also just resent the corporate life. I feel like everyone that does it, does it because they feel like they HAVE to. And maybe I am wrong about that. I’m sure there are some youngin’s that genuinely want to start the climb of the corporate ladder. But I am not one of them, I feel so young! I think that YOUTH is the time to act young. I want to take advantage of this time with no commitments or tie downs to be free! I know it sounds young and naive, but what other time in my life will it be “socially acceptable” to be young and naive?
I also want to postpone the corporate life until I am craving stability. I have this theory that with big things in life, like marriage, career, house, kids, if we have the privilege to choose when we pursue them, we should! I want to be to the point where even though I might be wrong, my brain is telling me that all the “bad” things that come with those big things will be worth it. Like I don’t want to have kids until I am thinking “I don’t care if I have a messy house, or my body is ruined or I am sleep deprived, it will all be worth it to have a kid” (Even though eventually I will be annoyed when I am chubby and sleep deprived) I still want to wait until I want it that badly! Same with a career. I want to start down that road only once I feel so fully and completely ready to make all the sacrifices that committing to a career takes. I want to feel like I absolutely have to be making a difference in the world, and that routine, and potential mundaneness will all be worth it as long as I am contributing meaningfully!
Anyways, College has taught me…. A lot?
I still wonder what it would be like to have the “classic college experience”. I will never know, and now I have to be ok with that. I like the thought of being messy and unorganized and late and partying, but I know those things are easy to put an idealistic light onto, but in reality they are unproductive and unhealthy. Maybe by traveling/avoiding career life I’m still trying to chase that “youth” that I feel like I never got? I grew up pretty fast, as an only child of a single mother.
College is such a blink. It’s weird how it makes us inevitably complain the whole time. We bond through complaints. It’s so hard not to complain, and so fun to complain. But I know I will regret complaining. I know I will miss school, because I love school! I love the changing schedule, the flexibility and the always doings something new. Being a student makes people interested in you and your journey. Maybe I will teach some day.
I am excited for life and for opportunities. I am excited to become my own best friend. I am excited to learn and share and grow and thrive. I’m sad to leave but I know “all good things must come to an end!”
Isabelle de Mozenette
Senior Reflective Essay
I found CEP the summer of 2015. At that time I had just finished my first quarter at UW Bothell. I was home visiting my mom in Maryland and telling a high school friend about how I had just started the hobby of making my own deodorant. I went on a spiel about how obvious it is that the all natural way is better! Not only is it better for our bodies, it is better for the environment too! My friend suggested that I should major in Sustainability. I didn’t really know what that was, so I started doing research on schools that offer Sustainability Studies. I found that UW Seattle had a major called Community, Environment and Planning. I decided that I was so very excited and wanted to join that fall. I met with Kelly, who told me that I missed all the deadlines and that it was way too late to join in the fall. She also told me that I have less of a chance of getting into UW Seattle as a transfer from UW Bothell. She also told me that I should stop taking classes because the fewer credits I have, the higher chance I have of getting into UW Seattle. I was shocked, surprised and terrified and decided to take the chance. I would drop out of school for a year, to wait and see if I would be accepted into UW and CEP.
I didn’t go back to school that fall, but worked a nanny job instead. I had just gone through a breakup and was terribly sad and scared of my future. I remember sweeping the kitchen floor of my nanny job and almost crying. Nothing sounded fun, and I definitely lacked a purpose. I decided that I should travel during my gap year. Not because I wanted to, but because that is what society said is “cool” to do during gap years. I pressured myself a lot with how to travel the “right” way. I reached out to a friend who is pretty well traveled and asked her for help on where to start. She was currently nannying in Melbourne, Australia and told me she could probably get me a nanny job there. I took my first plunge and said “ok”.
Before I left for Australia in late January, I applied for CEP over winter break. I was back in Maryland, visiting my mom again, trying to write my essay. It was torture. I was at all time max of feeling insecure and lacking self worth and I was expected to write essays for UW and CEP where I had to boast myself. I struggled so hard, I tried to be real in them, but I didn’t know who the real me was. I had my interview for CEP a few weeks before I left on my travels, feeling lost, confused and anything but grounded.
I arrived in Australia, late January to a family I have never met, and was agreeing to live with and work for them for 5 weeks minimum. I remember feeling so out of place. I tried to go shopping and explore the town I was living in on my down time and even feeling like the shop owners didn’t want me in their stores. I quite literally felt like I was just taking up space.
Fast forward 7 months later, I had been through Australia, Vietnam, Cambodia, Germany, Austria, France, Monaco, The Netherlands, Croatia, Slovenia, Sweden and Iceland. I was walking to my bus that would take me to my plane that would take me from Iceland to Maryland, where I would once again visit my mom.
Halfway through my trip I heard back from CEP that I have been “yellowed” and more information was needed from my to determine if I was a right fit. I borrowed someone’s computer from where I was volunteering at an orphanage in Vietnam and wrote about how I want to learn the steps from A to Z to become a “sustainability implementer”.
At that point, I was also high off of freedom. Being a single child of a single mother means that I did not grow up with a lot of freedom or trust instilled in me. However, traveling had started to show me all that I was capable of. I was seeing how much life there was in the world, and I was feeling a strong resistance to going home to start school, especially at UW. I viewed UW as basic, or typical, an institution that does not really care about you but only your money. I was resisting doing school in such a typical and expected fashion. I had also applied for Evergreen State College and was just as excited about continuing my education there in a non-conforming way. UW felt like jail compared to my current travel life. I resented CEP for making me prove my worth all over again, and was fully ready to go to Evergreen instead.
After getting into both, and vacillating between the two for a while, I decided to TRY UW because it was way harder and way more effort to get into UW than Evergreen. I felt confident that if I wasn’t happy at UW I could apply for and get into Evergreen again easily, but the opposite might not be true.
As school approached, I was feeling just as grumpy as when I was leaving for my trip. Nothing made sense anymore. All my friends had moved away while I was traveling. I didn’t have anyone that was excited for my return. UW seemed intimidating and looming.
I think my first mistake was “assuming” everyone was “right”. I gave everyone else in CEP and UW “the power”. I’m not sure how to properly explain this but it is an inconvenience that doesn’t allow me to be my full self. I doubted myself a lot and wasn’t sure where I stood coming academically coming from a community college. I didn’t know all of the invisible “norms” of UW student life and this intimidated me. I felt that there was a right way to be a UW student, and everyone knew the secret except for me. This stopped me from fully blooming!
After fall quarter I was still disgruntled. It felt like everyone already had their friend groups and didn’t have the same need for friends as me. I didn’t like bussing, even though I chose to bus, I was always frustrated with the commute time.
None of my junior year quarters particularly stand out in terms of comfort. I eventually stopped complaining about bussing, and made some half friends. The CEP community has been a pretty solid rock through it all. I wouldn’t say everyone is dedicated or even reliable, but everyone is reliable enough to the point of mostly comfort. It takes me a long time to feel comfortable with people and I honestly would say that only at the start of spring quarter of senior year do I finally feel comfortable, and like I belong. I finally feel like a “real” UW student. I feel excited and grateful for all the opportunities that UW gives me access to. I also feel sad. I feel sad that it has taken me so long and that now it’s almost over. I have inspired myself to enjoy school and enjoy campus and enjoy everything that comes with being a “UW Student”.
Since middle school I have taken a semi “non-traditional” schooling route. I moved to Maryland for my last year of elementary school. When I started middle school I applied to and got into a magnet school. Magnet schools are like little universities. They require you to apply and interview and come in for an in person session to be assessed. In middle school my “magnet” was visual arts. We had dedicated classes each semester that were for our magnet, where we were expected to grow and thrive with our cohort.
In high school I did the same. My magnet that time was “Theatre Design and Production”. I had an ever smaller cohort and more responsibility. The magnet was student run with our teacher overseeing everything. Juniors and Seniors were “lead designers” and freshmen and sophomores were “crew”. We were expected to stay after school at least 3 days a week to get everything done. Sometimes we stayed until 11pm or later. It was crazy but it was also a blast. I absolutely loved seeing everyone so often and feeling bonded on a whole new level. In high school it was easier to feel comfortable around a big group of people. We are less self-aware and more easily adaptable. We are weird and gross and vulnerable without overthinking too much, we are just ourselves. We are raw and real. It is immature, but it works.
As we age, we start to learn the politeness of social norms. We know what we are “supposed” to say to be “nice”. I feel that this gets in the way of me being my real self. I’m not sure how to get past it. I don’t want to take risks or be vulnerable, even though I know that’s what it necessary to do to create long lasting relationships.
CEP seems like the college version of my high school experiences. My high school was very communal as well. There is so much potential for amazing connections, and I have made some good ones, but none that are life-altering (that I am aware of, yet). I am so thrilled and lucky to be apart of it nonetheless. It’s weird that we can be surrounded by people but still feel trouble making genuine and life-altering connections.
When I read other comments about how other UW students feel about UW, they seem bitter. They FEEL like UW is just a big business that doesn’t really care about them; UW just wants their money. I am fortunate enough that CEP makes me not feel that way. Thanks to CEP I feel like UW cares about me, and wants me here. I haven’t been here long enough to actually feel like I belong, but I definitely don’t feel like I don’t belong…. Somewhere in the middle.
CEP reminded me that I want that feeling of community in my life. I want to feel comfortable around a large group of people. I want that feeling! I’m not sure if it’s possible… or if it exists, but I know it’s something I want one day.
My view of the world is so external. It’s strongly based on feelings and how others “make” me feel. I want to be more internal. I want to be fiercely independent. I want to be my own best friend, show up for myself, and watch the rest of my life and relationships transform, in the most positive way.
I think that is why I am so bent on traveling again. I learned my first time around, that when I am forced into independance, I rise to the occasion. However, when I am in my daily life, I do not. If I go traveling, I will have to flex my independant muscle - hard. It’s easier for me to be independent when I am “forced” into it, by traveling for example.
I also just resent the corporate life. I feel like everyone that does it, does it because they feel like they HAVE to. And maybe I am wrong about that. I’m sure there are some youngin’s that genuinely want to start the climb of the corporate ladder. But I am not one of them, I feel so young! I think that YOUTH is the time to act young. I want to take advantage of this time with no commitments or tie downs to be free! I know it sounds young and naive, but what other time in my life will it be “socially acceptable” to be young and naive?
I also want to postpone the corporate life until I am craving stability. I have this theory that with big things in life, like marriage, career, house, kids, if we have the privilege to choose when we pursue them, we should! I want to be to the point where even though I might be wrong, my brain is telling me that all the “bad” things that come with those big things will be worth it. Like I don’t want to have kids until I am thinking “I don’t care if I have a messy house, or my body is ruined or I am sleep deprived, it will all be worth it to have a kid” (Even though eventually I will be annoyed when I am chubby and sleep deprived) I still want to wait until I want it that badly! Same with a career. I want to start down that road only once I feel so fully and completely ready to make all the sacrifices that committing to a career takes. I want to feel like I absolutely have to be making a difference in the world, and that routine, and potential mundaneness will all be worth it as long as I am contributing meaningfully!
Anyways, College has taught me…. A lot?
I still wonder what it would be like to have the “classic college experience”. I will never know, and now I have to be ok with that. I like the thought of being messy and unorganized and late and partying, but I know those things are easy to put an idealistic light onto, but in reality they are unproductive and unhealthy. Maybe by traveling/avoiding career life I’m still trying to chase that “youth” that I feel like I never got? I grew up pretty fast, as an only child of a single mother.
College is such a blink. It’s weird how it makes us inevitably complain the whole time. We bond through complaints. It’s so hard not to complain, and so fun to complain. But I know I will regret complaining. I know I will miss school, because I love school! I love the changing schedule, the flexibility and the always doings something new. Being a student makes people interested in you and your journey. Maybe I will teach some day.
I am excited for life and for opportunities. I am excited to become my own best friend. I am excited to learn and share and grow and thrive. I’m sad to leave but I know “all good things must come to an end!”